Assasin's guide to dating
by Ififall
Summary: An excited Eve and a reluctant Villanelle get Kenny ready for his first date with Elena.


Now that Eve knew, he may as well just send the email. He had nothing to hide anymore.

He kept checking it over, he'd kept it short and to the point. Professional and easy going at the same time.

He read it out...….

_"Dear Elena, I know you want to keep things professional. So, whenever you're not busy do want to go out for a drink sometime? My treat?"_

_From Kenny._

* * *

It was about twenty awkward minutes until he got a repsonse. With Elena gone, he had no idea what she was really thinking. He nearly jumped out of his seat when he saw her message in his inbox.

"_Sure, keep Bill off the shots though, you know how wild he gets"_

_"Uhhh...I don't think he can come, I think, it's just going to be us"_

"Okay cool" Elena actually says.

Kenny looks ups and sees his crush smiling at him.

* * *

"Hey how long have you been here?" He asked.

"A few minutes. You were lost in the web as usual. The shop across the road was out of double deckers. What kind of shop runs out of double deckers?"

"I'll get you one later"

"Deal" She nods.

* * *

Kenny goes to Eve's place to get ready. Mum isn't in, but she could be back at any time, and he didn't want her asking any questions. He was a terrible liar and she knew it. He'd bought new clothes, new soap, new deodorant, and a new comb. Everything he was using was new. He got everything on, carefully walked down the stairs to see an excited Eve and a distracted Villanelle flicking through a fashion magazine.

"So...do I look okay?" Kenny asked.

"You look adorable!" Turn around for us! Give us a manly twirl!" Eve asked excitedly.

"Baby, this is one date. It's not his wedding day" Villanelle said, not even looking up.

"This could be the start of it though. Villanelle, this is the part where you_ pretend_ to be excited and wish Kenny luck"

* * *

Kenny nodded, but stopped smiling when the Eve's girlfriend walked towards him. Everytime he saw her, he had to remind himself that she made Eve happy. She made her complete. He tried not to spend too much time with her. He never spent time with her alone. There was this taut tension that knotted in his stomach every time he sensed her.

She walked over to him, placing her hand on his stomach. He instantly backed away.

"Why are you wearing red? You look better in blue. Don't be too boring. Ask her things. Don't be inside your head too much. Don't laugh too much. It's goofy. Don't talk too much. Don't embarrass her. Don't be mean to try to be funny. Also Don't forget her double decker, she asked for one" Villanelle said. She walked back to the table and carried on reading her magazine.

* * *

"Thanks, your laugh is not goofy, she's just trying to be funny" Eve told him.

"No I'm not" Villanelle replied.

"Here are your flowers" Eve said thrusting them in his face.

He left and went to the shops to get a double decker, and ended up with a pack of Ten. The he went to the pub. It was their usual place after work. He met Elena in "their spot"

"Hey" he said, giving her the flowers.

* * *

"Thanks! They're lovely. I'm sure you heard about that shitty german call I had. These smell great. I ordered you your usual if that's okay"

"Sure, thanks" Kenny said, taking a sip of his cranberry. "Oh yeah, double deckers!" He said diving into his bag and throwing them on the table.

"I only asked for one, thanks though. But I guess if I want to go out onto the field, I've gotta lay off the chocolate. I only have to smell carbs and I gain weight"

* * *

"You're not "fat" fat. Your body type is an endomorph. You store fat, but it's on your hips and thighs. You're a classic pear shape" Kenny said.

"Ummm thanks, that's so sweet of you Kenny, so you think I'm an pear shaped Elephant? You sure know how to flatter a girl"

"No, of course not, you're lovely. It's a good thing you carry the weight on your thighs. If it was on your stomach there'd be a higher chance of strokes, diabetes and heart attack. You're taller than most girls. You're statue-esque, you can carry more weight than the average girl. Awesome right? Do you want some crisps?" Kenny asked,

* * *

Eve heard the door slam and instantly ran down the hallway. She'd given Kenny a key months ago.

"Hey you! Mr smooth! You lady killer you! How did it go?" Eve smiled giving him a big hug.

"Uhhhh...okay? I gave her flowers and the double deckers..."

"Let's sit" Eve said gently ushering him to the living room and sat down. "Did you uhh..get any signs that she really likes you?"

* * *

"I don't know"

"Well did she smile, did she flirt or..."

"I might have inadvertantly called her an Elephant!" Kenny blurted out.

"What!" Eve shouted.

"I'm confused! She said that she wanted to go out into the field and was talking about her weight and carbs! I should have changed the subject Eve, but...

* * *

"Wait! there's a "but" to this?" Villanelle said popping out of the shadows with a switch-blade.

"Woah Villanelle? What the fudge?!" Kenny gasps staring at the knife.

"Babe, what have I told you about knife training in the living room?" Eve asks, wrapping her dressing gown around her.

"_Whhaat?_ Training in the dark outside gets boring after a while" The assassin whines. She pulls the blade back in and she placed it on the table. She sat down next to her partner while never taking her eyes off of him. "Tell me about your date Kenny, from beginning to end" She told him.


End file.
